i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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