So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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