This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
