We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
