Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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