I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
