im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i already hear my dad disowning me
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
