dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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