Banned from zoo.
Again?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
