I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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