Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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