At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
