my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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