Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
