i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
