I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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