Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
