Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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