My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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