um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
