if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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