I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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