Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize