Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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