Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
