giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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