There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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