Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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