Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
3pm strippers are depressing
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
