I'm so fucking centered right now
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
