there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
