when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
