o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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