Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
