I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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