Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
