OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
