words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
