He had one of those small greek statue penises
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
