I'm going to jail i love you
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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