Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize