its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
