i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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