i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I want a musical about memes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
