she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
