He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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