it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
