He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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