i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
