Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
