I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
