all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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