i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
