HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Barsexuality is the new black.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
