He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize