is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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